‘Twas the night before X-Files,
And all through the land
Not a creature was stirring,
not even Cancer Man.
The cases were filed in their file drawers with care,
In hopes the special agents soon would be there.
But Mulder and Scully were nestled all alone in their beds,
While visions of conspiracies danced in their heads.
The agents dreams swarmed with hybridized bees,
and an embrace that was really nothing more than a tease.
And the heroes we’d waited so long to see kiss?
Stung by a bee – postponing our bliss.
Barely a year before those same damn bees
Had Skinner scrubbing bathroom floors, down on his knees.
The greatest evil doing the duo sought to expose,
Involved Scully’s cancer, the one in her nose.
Then, there was the chip found lodged in her neck,
Which led Mulder to a boxcar and a fiery train wreck.
But, trains aren’t the only things that can crash.
A mysterious UFO turned an aircraft to ash.
Amongst the rubble was an old friend named Max,
but little to go on and even fewer facts.
It was like Mulder’s trip to the Bermuda triangle,
a foray to find some kind of angle.
But, all Mulder found was a Nazi’s fist,
and a Scully clone who socked him for giving her a kiss.
Southward the agents flew, to a factory for chicken,
A gory affair, certain to sicken.
The townspeople wore hideous masks, they wielded sabers,
and dined on a bilious stew made from their neighbors.
The next case involved vegetarians.
What a relief!
Til they found suspicious thugs poisoning local beef.
Next on our menu of hideous cuisines:
A motley crew of toad-licking teens.
And a monster living high on the hog,
making a meal of Scully’s accessory dog.
Then there were villains like Morris and Eddie,
a couple of losers who got to feel heady
When they took Agent Mulder’s body for a spin
and had far more fun than the body Fox was left in.
Now you might think these couplets simply a spoof,
But I tell you, I heard him, up on the roof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Cancer Man came with a bound.
He was dressed all in grey from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
The butt of a Morley he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
His eyes, how they glared! his mouth, how scary!
The end of his cigarette lit up like a cherry!
A simmering menace! A life devoid of mirth,
This man who goes by the name of Raul Bloodworth.
He was sallow and smoky – a right bleeper, I said to myself,
And I shivered when I saw him, the evil old elf.
The menace in his eye, and the nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And destroyed all the evidence, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his fleet car, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim, e’re he drove out of sight,
“Happy X-Files to all, and to all a good night!”